Admitting Defeat

I know that I said I wanted this blog to be full of fun stories about my adventures in Krasnoyarsk, and I set off with such enthusiasm and excitement. However, as it turns out it was perhaps with too much enthusiasm and not enough caution that I jumped into this adventure. I have been stretched to the very limits of my abilities and still been found wanting, and therefore I am returning to the UK today.

I want to begin by saying that I am not by nature a quitter. Although in moments of frustration, hurt or anger I may have declared I’m quitting a job or activity I have never actually gone through with it without a plan, just because ‘I can’t do it anymore.’ This is a new experience for me, and I am really struggling to deal with all the emotions it brings.

There are two main reasons for which I am choosing not to continue my employment at Speaker Language club. The first is that I do not believe that I am able to carry out the work that they expect to a sufficient standard. Although these language camps are not the usual way of working, they do take place throughout the year and I know that I cannot manage another one. I believe that I am a fairly good teacher, if somewhat lacking in experience (which I think with my age can be expected!), however in order to be a good teacher I have discovered that I require a reasonable amount of sleep and time off. Working for three weeks solidly, 24/7 in a language I can hardly speak is not good for my own physical and mental health, but also not good for the kid’s general wellbeing, as I become grumpy, cross and mean, and cease to care enough whether they are happy and healthy. I do not believe that in any way that I have been abusive or neglectful, and yet I know that at points I have behaved in a way which if I saw another teacher behaving in the same way I would be fairly disgusted. It is really difficult for me to admit this, as I feel like such a failure for not being able to maintain what I consider to be good standards for teaching and childcare, but I think it is better for me to admit my limitations and refuse to put myself into this situation again where I might further have a negative impact on children in my care.

Secondly I refuse to work for an educational organisation that puts its finances before the wellbeing of its staff and more importantly its children. I’m not naïve enough to be unaware that with all organisations, especially somewhere like Russia this is often likely to be the case to some extent, but with Speaker this was taken is taken to an unacceptable extreme. I should have guessed it was a problem with their expectation that one could work 3 weeks nonstop the first day of arriving in a new country, but I decided to overlook this. However, more and more things have been revealed to me as time has passed, especially the way certain situations were dealt with during the camps, which have brought me to the descision that I do not feel comfortable working for these people any longer. Furthermore I would not recommend anyone to work for Speaker Language Club in the future.

As I said, this whole situation is bringing up a whole lot of emotions, firstly the feeling of failure at not being able to cope with the job I was given, and secondly foolishness for having rushed into something with such excitement only to turn around after less than 2 months and give up. I am also very sad to be leaving Krasnoyarsk (although somewhat happy to be able to see everyone in the UK sooner than expected), as it has been wonderful to be back after so long and it breaks my heart to have to leave it again so soon.
Although it has been so difficult, and still is, I do not regret for a second making the decision to come and work here. I am clinging to Romans 8:28, and I know that God has already taught me much from this experience.

Firstly, it has shown me that I truly do have a heart for Russia. I had been concerned as the years had passed that I was looking at my time in Krasnoyarsk through rose-tinted glasses, and perhaps that the only reason I really wanted to return was the good memories and friends I had there. However, despite the incredibly challenging time I have had here since my arrival I have fallen even more in love with this city and this country. Even at camp I had only to look at lovely trees and houses across the fence, or listen to people speaking this beautiful language and I’d smile with delight. Now I’m back in the city even the dreary grey apartment blocks and rickety bumpy buses make my heart sing for joy. I feel so at home here, despite being so obviously a foreigner and struggling so much with the language barrier and culture shock, that I know this is a place God has truly put on my heart.

Secondly, I have learnt where my limits are. As already mentioned I know that I need a reasonable amount of sleep and rest to be a good teacher. Obviously, there are times in life when that is not possible for whatever reason, but I know that I cannot work for someone who does not consider those a basic, reasonable, requirement.

Thirdly, I know that I struggle without other people’s support. The prayers, thoughts, texts and phone calls from friends in the UK and around the world were like a life-line to me, but I know now that I need the support of people who are physically there and who I can speak to in the same language. The first camp was not so bad, at least until the end, as we all got on well as a team and supported one another with hugs, laughter and tea. At the second camp I was incredibly isolated, as the two other members of my team were a couple, who for various reasons tended to exclude me quite a lot. The other members of staff at the camp were very kind, but it was impossible for me to communicate with them at more than a basic level because of the language barrier.

I am not quite sure what this means for me as I look to my future, as it is difficult to discern the character of ones colleagues without meeting them, which is a challenge when you’re living in a different country! The obvious answer of many would be for me to find a husband, but I’m fairly sure that’s out of the question. I could also take a certain friend up on his offer to come to Russia with me in a lorry if I lack a suitable partner (though one of us would need to learn to drive!), but I feel that would quite frankly be cruel as I am quite sure he would hate it and I’m sure that if I could understand his PHD I could appreciate that it is very important he continues whatever research he is doing! Instead, I think it simply makes it all the more important that I try to find a job somewhere in Russia where I already know people who will help support me, rather than risking going to a whole new city all by myself. This is also hard to admit as I can be quite fiercely independent, but again, I think it is good to accept my weaknesses and limitations and learn from them.

Finally, next time I believe I will exercise more caution in making such big decisions. I’m naturally a very impulsive, passionate person and I was so desperate to return to Krasnoyarsk that I ignored a fair few warning lights that went off in my brain in preparing to work for Speaker Club, such as their sudden insistence that I come out 2 months earlier, the fact they didn’t ask to see my CRB check, and their vagueness about where I would be living (it turns out the school director just thought I could sleep in her living room for a year, as a free English tutor for her son and cat-sitter, without even bothering to check if I was allergic to cats!). All this did make me a little concerned, but I shrugged it off and explained it all away as cultural differences, as I couldn’t bear to let a little thing like common sense or intuition get in the way of my plan to get back to Krasnoyarsk! I know that I want to return as soon as I am able, but this time I shall be lot more cautious and make much more in depth enquiries about schools before I commit myself to anything, and use the contacts I’m already blessed to have in the city. I think it is better to wait a little longer if necessary for the right job, rather than blunder into another only to fail again.